Thursday, April 14, 2016

On Friendship

 It's interesting. I remember having similar feelings this time 5 years ago. I remember having a similar "pinning session", saving quotes like this to my "Quotes" board on Pinterest when H and I were dating. And let's be honest, I use the word "dating" very loosely. A little back story... Coming off of his mission, Heath had never been in a relationship before, and was trying to figure out what he wanted. Well, unfortunately for him, from the moment I met him, I knew what I wanted -- him. That obviously led to many breakups (that he initiated of course), many tears, and many Pinterest sessions, pinning every single sad, sappy quote that reminded me of our situation -- and then sharing some of them on Facebook so that he would see. My friends and family weren't crazy about him at the time, because every few weeks they would see me in tears over this man.

Flash forward to now. I clearly stuck around while he figured out that he wanted me too, and we have been married for 3.5 years and have a perfect little baby girl. I knew from the very beginning that he was supposed to be my husband. And during that rough time at the beginning of our relationship, I was so in love with him that I was somehow able to see through all of the tears and the pain. It was worth it.

But let me tell you what's not worth it: Abusive friendships.

Obviously we're not talking about physical abuse here. We're talking about emotional abuse... psychological abuse.

Friendship is an interesting thing. What does it mean to be a friend to someone? Anyone can say that they are friends with someone else. But what does that entail? Friendship is not about how well you know someone, or how long you've known them. It's about being there for someone through all of the ups and downs. It's about helping bring happiness and positivity into their lives.  It's about forgiveness. It's about doing or saying things to show that you care. It's about putting forth effort.

Something that I've had to learn is that people come and go in your life. Times change and people change. But the people who want to be in your life will make an effort to stay there. No matter what. For example, I met my best friend in high school. We used to spend every single day together. We spent as much time with each other as possible, and spent the rest of the time calling/texting each other. Once we graduated, things changed a little bit. We both went to college, got married, got grown up jobs, etc. But she is still my best friend, and even though we may only see each other once a month, we are always there for each other. I know that she wants to be a part of my life, because she makes the effort.

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I am 23 years old, am married and have a baby, and I feel like I'm in middle school again. I feel like I am dealing with people who just want to bring me down. I feel like I am in an abusive relationship. Last year, I hurt the feelings of a couple of good friends of mine, with actions that I truly didn't intend to be hurtful. Recovering from that has been horrible. I feel like I am constantly apologizing and trying to mend the friendships. I understand that they are hurt, but I am hurt too. And why does it make sense to put forth all of the effort when none will ever be reciprocated? How many times do you have to prove to someone that you are their friend? Especially when the other person clearly doesn't want to be your friend anymore, but still makes you grovel, as if there's some way you can possibly make it up to them?

I think in life it is important to surround yourselves with those that uplift you and that make you want to be a better person.

I also think that it's important to constantly be moving forward. And sometimes that means getting rid of those toxic relationships that only induce negativity, in order to be happy. What we all need to realize, is that none of us can change the past. It does no good to bring up bad memories from the past, because we can't change it. All we can do is live and learn. Continue to go about your life and find things that make you happy. Learn to not make those same mistakes again. Apologize for any wrong doing.

But then what? What about those people who will continue to bring up drama/mistakes from the past? What do you do then? What if you've already apologized countless times and you've tried to make things better? What if you've moved on and just want to be happy? How many times should they make you apologize when it clearly isn't going to change a thing? Why should you continue to allow that negativity and sadness into your life?

It's hard. Because I think about all of the good times we've had in the past. I miss those friendships and those people. But at some point, you have to realize that relationships like that are toxic, and that no matter what you do, nothing will ever change.

This is a quote that I have found very helpful lately. I have spent too many tears, too many thoughts, and too much time, trying to mend a friendship that will never truly be fixed.  I will never stop caring about these people and I wish all the best for them, but it's time for me to move on. And at least I can move on knowing that I did everything I could to mend these friendships. I have tried hard and I have fought for them. But there is only so much fighting you can do -- especially if the other person refuses to fight for you.

I feel like I am typically a very happy person.

And I'm not going to waste anymore time and energy being unhappy -- especially over things of the past. I have so much to be happy about in life. And my goodness, life is too short to waste your time and energy on people who don't care and won't put in the effort.

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1 comment:

  1. Totally with you, girl. It's really hard to let go of a friendship, especially one that's been around a long time, but sometimes you have to. I'm not friends with my childhood best friend anymore. She was MOH in our wedding, and after the excitement had died down, I thought about how I had always put much more into the friendship than she had and I decided to see what would happen if I just stopped. What happened was nothing. She didn't hold our friendship up because it obviously wasn't that important to her, and as much as that hurt, it allowed me release the negativity that relationship was causing me and be done with the frustration. It wasn't easy, but it was what I needed to do for me. Just wanted to share to let you know you're not alone!



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